The healed vs the unhealed

The world is terrorized by the unhealed. I have noticed this lately in our government, in my own personal experiences and just generally when I’m out in the world. I realize, in our rapid era of the shortest news cycles, the accessibility of social media and the general state of the world, that pain and suffering is a constant presence. Majority of undo suffering in our world is at the hands of the unhealed.

Part of me, albeit a very small part, has compassion for the unhealed. Twenty plus years ago I was someone who walked around this world without questioning the trail I left behind me. I was unhealed. The major difference between the healed and unhealed, besides the obvious, is that even when both parties are unhealed, the future healed person will always have the self-awareness to see that their words and actions have consequences that are their responsibility, and they will undoubtedly get curious about it.

The unhealed will crash through the world externalizing blame and pointing fingers outward. They cause chaos in their path because when you are unhealed, you make poor decisions. They choose language and behaviors based on all the traumas and experiences that they have left to rot and fester inside them. These poor decisions wreak havoc, not only on their own lives but to those attached to them.

The unhealed lash out or they hermit away or they gaslight or they avoid communication; they avoid conflict or they people-please or they lack integrity, or they are dishonest- the list goes on and on. These behaviors might be prevalent in a healed person also- but the difference is in the acknowledgment and ownership. For the unhealed, even if they feel guilt or remorse for poor behavior- they either ignore it or dig their hole deeper but they will continue the toxic cycle. Because a true apology means changed behavior. The unhealed will forever circle the same drain of their own delusion that the world is to blame and that they are completely right in their wounded convictions.

Twenty plus years later with seven dedicated years of therapy, multiple therapists and therapies, I have cleaned that unhealed trail behind me and do my best to leave the path clear. Because I was emotionally mature enough to see the world as a mirror for myself, I chose healing in this life. The unhealed only see the world through themselves. They do not recognize the patterns of their lives. They do not see that they are indeed the common denominator. They tend to ask, “why me” instead of “what can I learn from this?”

Healed people can have unhealed parts. Once again, the difference is in recognition. I am a healed person but I’m well aware of my unhealed parts that sometimes like to rear their ugly heads. I don’t live in my unhealed parts, but I know when that part of me decides to call the shots. Typically, because it’s followed with shame. The unhealed will act out because of shame but not own or understand that shame is their conductor. They will mask more vulnerable emotions with anger and blame. 

 

It is true: hurt people do indeed hurt people. They love to even out the playing field.

I’ve said this so many times here but our overall purpose on this planet is to love and to form genuine connections through that love. Unhealed people do not operate this way. Unhealed people love in unhealed ways. Of course, they can love but because they don’t truly understand how they operate within relationships, they tend to fumble love. They treat it like an accessory or a prison or a means to an end. Being loved by an unhealed person tends to leave you questioning, confused and hurt. I have loved a few unhealed humans in this life and the end result is usually heartache or resignation to your detriment. Ultimately, if the relationship continues, I am afraid the result may an unfulfilled life. 

 

There is a lot of chatter on the male loneliness epidemic. I’ve heard a lot of professionals speak on it and I’ve come to the same conclusion- the reason men are feeling tossed aside is because they have yet to work on themselves to heal. No one wants to be friends with or date a person who is emotionally stunted. “Lonely” (read: unhealed) men have yet to choose to catch up with their counterparts. You can argue that the “me too” movement highlighted the gross behavior of the male gender and power struggles but that was just a loudspeaker to whispers. Everyone has been fully aware that some men in power abuse it. The “some" in that equation is the unhealed. The male loneliness epidemic is solely due to the reaction of the healed, especially the healed woman. We no longer care to deal with unhealed boys calling themselves men. Women are tired of the emotional abuse- so we stopped putting up with it. Period. Once again, the healed do not want to play in the kiddie pool so to the lonely unhealed men- please feel free to call your therapist, heal and join the adults in the big pool.

Your call to action here is to analyze the relationships in your life. Analyze yourself. It is your responsibility to heal and to deeply know and understand yourself. It is not your job to make other people understand you. Your job is solely to figure out you. The people you attract into your life- friends or lovers- are always a reflection of your own work.

 

For me personally, I have removed or distanced myself from a lot of unhealed humans. I have stopped putting any energy into those relationships. They do not serve my higher good. I'd rather spend my life completely alone than lower my standards to accept that full grown adults can treat others so poorly. So blindly. It is a poor workman who blames his tools.

 

This is your reminder to do a life assessment. Your connections in the world should uplift you. They should be the reason why your life is good and not why you are stressed out or upset. And I'm not talking about that blip in the radar in your connections; no relationship is perfect. But if you are in a continued negative pattern or toxic cycle with someone, there is some serious work to be done. 

 

And if you are reading this and wondering if you could possibly be the unhealed person, please continue to get curious. Start asking yourself “why do I do that, where did that decision come from, what part of me is this heightened emotion coming from, why am I so reactive" and continue going down the rabbit hole of unraveling you. Question it all. But FYI, the unhealed don't typically have a high degree of self-reflection so if you are even questioning yourself, you probably are on the right track.  

 

The more you learn yourself, the better your navigation system works. And never forget that every day is a day to start again. You have this moment right now to choose to turn the ship around, to choose healing.

I hope you do. xo

 

*I am using the word “healed” but that also encompasses healing humans. We are obviously always a work in progress, so the term “healed” refers to the people who choose to do the “work” as they say.