40 Things I learned by 40
I’ve been working on this post for a while. I turned 40 *big gulp* in June and although, I’m a firm believer that age is just a number and you are truly only as old as you feel (and I feel forever 28), there is something pretty big about turning 40. It feels like half my life has been lived, more or less. It feels like I’ve got to rush to get my future dreams accomplished. But I will say that the best part of turning 40 is that I have spent the past decade plus really digging into who I am and how I show up in the world. I am doing the “work” as people say nowadays. I am leaning into my humanness and trying to live the next chapters of my life with wild authenticity. I have spent the better half of the past decade in talk therapy- solo and couples. I have seen shamans, reiki masters, spiritual healers, energy healers, trauma healing specialists, psychics, mediums, meditation teachers, yogis, KAP facilitators, etc. in order to further my evolution on this planet. If I am led to someone who can heal, I am there.
And why? Because my religion is love, openness and understanding. I want to understand humans better, I want to see the world as unfiltered as possible. I want to be stripped away of the armor that we learn to put on at a young age and really know what it’s like to be free of the heaviness we all carry. I want to be aligned with my soul and live out my higher purpose. I want to be the good in the world, a light for the people I connect with.
This list did not come without hardship, a lot (a lot, a lot) of tears, a lot of deep conversations, a lot of grief, a lot of ownership, a lot of growth. This list is never ending. I had to stop myself and just call it because I could go on and on. Most of these lessons were learned through pain and hurt. But what that tells me is that I am paying attention and not letting the difficult moments tear me down but truly build me up. I hope this list will encourage you to do the same.
Be authentic. Live your truth. Always. You are put on this earth to be your unique self, not to fall into any categories or fit into any boxes. Figure out who you are deep inside and let that person shine. Do not listen to social normatives or societal pressures. This is your one shot at life, and you have to live it by the rules that make sense for you.
Life is not all rainbows & unicorns. Life is not a box of orgasms. It is meant to be difficult and challenging. It is meant to teach you hard lessons. Do not dwell on the hardships but choose to learn from them. Ask yourself: what is this trying to teach me rather than live in the “woe is me” attitude. Life is certainly not meant to be easy so please stop expecting it to be.
Ask yourself: can you be loved better, and can you love better? Life is filled with relationships- intimate or not- that all challenge our mental states. When you ask yourself if you can be loved better and the answer is yes, communicate that and follow up on your needs. If you ask yourself, can I do a better job of showing up and loving others and the answer is yes, then choose to do better the next day. There will always be slip ups, but you always have the chance to do better the next time. Choose to be loved better and love others at your highest capacity.
Do not self-abandon. So often in life we are asked to compromise and as long as that compromise is not steering you off the course of your authentic self, that is fine. But if you are constantly molding yourself to make others feel better, then you are self-abandoning. Giving up or hiding parts of yourself to keep the peace never works out; it causes resentment. You cannot serve your greater good if you are not authentically serving yourself first.
Value the freedom of yourself and the freedom of others. You have to respect that everyone is free to be who they want to be, and they are allowed to make their own choices (as long as they are not hurting others). Just because it may go against what serves you, you have a duty to respect their freedom. No one wants to feel or be controlled- you included. So, try to value the freedom of others rather than judging, manipulating or controlling.
“Normal” is whatever you make it. There is no such thing as normal. There is only unique. The outliers are what make this world a more beautiful and creative place. Do not judge what you deem as “abnormal”- it just different than you and that is ok.
Don’t feel the need to be chosen. I always hear people say but they didn’t choose me, or they didn’t see my side in the argument, etc. So what? If not being chosen eliminates someone from your life, then you should be grateful for that filter. If someone cannot see your side, that is their choice, and they have the freedom to do so. Don’t allow not being chosen to negatively affect your mindset. You should choose yourself. You should not abandon your stance. Allow space for others to do what works for them and realize that the universe always has your back, even when you feel like it doesn’t. So choose yourself and stop waiting to be chosen or accepted by others.
Relationships are not forever. Loss is sadly a massive part of life. I have lost a lot of very close friends and partners over the years (through disconnection and death) and as a super loyal person this has been difficult for me to understand the reasons why. But I now know that all relationships are not meant to last. Not everyone can meet you where you are, and you cannot meet everyone where they are. But the chapters with these people are such a gift to me. I walked away with lessons and strength and resilience I never knew I had. I find gratitude in the moments we shared and gratitude that the chapters closed.
Acceptance is a superpower. If you can view situations as they are: out of your control, then you will have a much better frame of mind to eventually get to acceptance. It is not always easy, but I promise you it will lead to shorter times of anguish. “It is what it is” is an annoying cliché but it is the truth. Accept and release what is beyond your control. Letting go and let it flow is something I remind myself of often.
Keeping up with the Jones’ is a bunch of bullshit. You do not ever need to keep up with anyone else nor do you have to fulfill any societal narratives. Whoever said you have to be married by a certain time or have babies by a certain time or buy a house by a certain time or have this type of car or go to this type of school is a freakin’ moron. You are not on anyone’s time schedule or need to check any “I am successful” boxes to lead a fulfilled life. It is ever present in Fairfield County to have all the things you need and want more. No one is going to speak about your Ferrari at your funeral, but they are going to speak about your character. No timeline or bank account or property is going to enhance your character. So stop playing into the game. It is a waste of your time and energy.
The comparison game only hurts you. It truly is the thief of joy. There is a way that comparing can offer up motivation but on the whole, it only fuels the mental “I’m not good enough” monster. You are you and you are exactly where you are meant to be. If you are not happy with an aspect of your life, change it. Don’t bitch about it, change it! But comparing what you have or what you look like or where you are in life is never serving you, it is holding you back.
Boundaries are your friend. They are meant to protect you, not keep people away. The people who negatively react to your boundaries are the same people who benefited from not having any. Do not feel guilt over holding a boundary or saying no when it is no longer serving your higher good.
Your daily choices should be in alignment with the life you are trying to build. If you want to be a better person, not gossip, be more patient, start a new career, move to a new place- you need to take daily steps to get there. But don’t say you want those things and then take actions that keep you tethered to your old ways. This is a sure-fire way to look back on life with regret.
Hustle culture sucks! This desire to always be busy & productive in order to appear like you’re got it all together is the lamest. We are not machines. We need rest and time away from the “go, go, go” lifestyle. Learn to listen to what your body and mind needs and don’t feel guilty if you can’t get through your to-do list. Burnout is a serious problem for all of us- whether it’s with parenting or work. You can only do as well as your body & mind feels. So when you’re pushing yourself too hard, your body will push back eventually. Let shit go. You are certainly not a failure for not getting it all done in a day, but I promise your day will feel like a failure when you’ve spent it beating yourself up for not being on top of every single thing.
Prioritizing yourself is not selfish- but how you approach it can come across that way. I always find it amazing when friends can just go, “no thanks, I don’t feel like it” without some really good reason. I envy how easily they put themselves before all other requests. It is never selfish to do what is best for you. But in that same hand, it can make others feel neglected so being compassionate is also important here. But remember, you are always your first priority.
Be inclusive in social gatherings. Don’t invite a group of friends over and leave someone out. And definitely don’t showcase that shit on social media if you’re going to leave someone out. I am not saying that everyone deserves an invite to all things but when you go out of your way to be unkind and not include someone- it only speaks to your character. I am a firm believer in the more, the merrier. It is childish to leave people out.
Put people in their proper boxes. I am an open book and I’ve had to learn that some people just do not deserve a seat at my private table. I can always be cordial, but it is a privilege to be allowed into someone’s inner world. Do not treat that lightly if you are allowed in. But also know that some people just aren’t worthy of the same love, expectations and allowances as others. Figure out who is a true friend vs an acquaintance vs someone who deserves none of your beautiful energy.
Living with integrity is crucial. It is what defines your character and how you will be remembered. If you say one thing but then do another, you are not living with integrity. If do not enjoy someone’s company, don’t be a fake friend, own it, explain it and move on. Don’t apologize for behavior and then do it all over again tomorrow. Your words and actions must align in order to live with pure integrity. This doesn’t mean you cannot grow and change and realign but living without integrity is not going to help you progress in life. The universe likes to see you in alignment so to say one thing but do another, is only holding you back from the gifts of the world.
Compassion and patience are mental muscles. They need to be wildly exercised. You have to practice them over and over and over again to integrate them without even trying. It is so difficult to have compassion or patience when things are not going your way- but that is even more reason to keep working the muscle. If worked properly, it will become innate over time.
Do not postpone JOY. If you ever say things like “I’ll be happy when” or “As soon as this phase passes” or “When I achieve this”- it means that your joy is always dependent on future things working out perfectly. And we all know that future expectations rarely end up perfect. So find your joys in the small tasks and the beauty around us or the little things that made you smile today. Joy is for the now moments, not the future changes and achievements.
Stop creating stories. We all do this. We create a narrative in our heads that is based on assumptions and not facts. This is detrimental to our mental health. It gives us anxiety and worry and stress that is unnecessary. If you find yourself creating a story to help you understand what is going on in your life- stop yourself and filter out everything but factual evidence. And if you need further information, ask. But living in the false narratives brings you nothing but anguish.
Learn to apologize and apologize well. I am so tired of hearing people say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” rather than “I am sorry that my actions created this situation that made you feel unsafe or unheard or what have you.” If you are fully aware of your mistakes, stop letting your ego and pride get in the way of correcting your mistake. It is not easy to take ownership, especially when there is shame involved, but it is a major part of our human experience. Learning to apologize well is crucial in evolving as a human. It also helps you take stock of the areas where you need growth. Remember that every person is coming to the table with their own experiences and filters so what may seem trivial to you, may be extremely painful to someone else. Learn to say, “I am sorry that I hurt you” and mean it. And then do your best to not do it again.
Stay close to the people who feel like magic. I’ve had the privilege of traveling to amazing countries and getting spoiled by living in a few of them. I have come across people from all walks of life. And there are just some humans who can light up a room and make you feel seen and heard and loved effortlessly. They listen with intent and make you feel truly special. These people are magic for you. There is no other way to say it. They are rare and will always be a positive part of your story. Cherish them. Keep them close and love them hard.
Along with the above, deeply appreciate the people who CHOOSE to love you. Not everyone is blessed with a loving and supportive family. So when we venture out in this world to find friends, lovers, life partners, we do so with careful intention. And when you find that best friend or partner who can see past your flaws and hold space for your needs and loves you loyally and fiercely- appreciate the shit out of them. And I’m not saying this in a morbid way, but you never know when you will lose that person, so treat them in the kindest and most loving way possible- they are the “family” that the universe blessed you with.
People pleasing holds your authentic self hostage. When you bend over backwards for someone or try to be something that you aren’t just to keep the peace, or you are constantly saying yes when your inner self is saying no or you’re creating more chaos in your life to fit someone else’s schedule- you are people pleasing. And nothing good comes of it. This is not to say, don’t have manners and be kind and have grace in your interactions. Of course, always be a good human. But do not do so when it negatively affects yourself, throws off your inner peace, stretches you too thin or goes against the grain of who you are. The guilt we feel when we stop people pleasing is tough, but it lessens with practice. Remember that real love is not earned.
Respect people’s truths. We are all born into this word surrounded by a culture that defines us. We all live through difficult and beautiful experiences that shape who we are. We all see the world through our own lenses. What I noticed during the pandemic was how black and white people saw the world and treated others. You’re not vaccinated- you’re the enemy. But every single human wants to feel safe in the world and safe has different meanings to everyone based on our experiences. So do your best to respect other’s truths. You do not have to agree with them but have a big enough heart and open mind to respect them.
And with that, nothing in this world is black and white. Every single situation lives in a gray space. I always hear people say, “I would never” and I just roll my eyes. You do not know what you would do or say or react in any given situation until its handed to you. And judging people for choosing to work on relationships through infidelity or not choose western medicine and choose eastern medicine or have an abortion or whatever the heck you see as hard line for you, may be a gray space for someone else. We all have to learn to live in the gray space. Because your thoughts are not truths to anyone but you. And spouting them to the world as if they are, is judgmental and low vibrational. There is no use for polarization.
Be intentional with your choices. Here’s the thing, I have spent years and years in therapy. I can recognize when I am making a choice or behaving a certain way based on past traumas or childhood wounds. I am extremely self-aware, which honestly, is sometimes super annoying. But most people are not this way. They have not taken deep dives into understanding why they choose to hurt others or say spiteful things or people please or act out. But every single thing we choose to do comes from either a conscious or sub or unconscious place. So when you have to make a decision or choose to respond rather than react, etc please try to do so from an understanding of why you are choosing that. Not only does it help remove regret from your life, but it also solidifies your choice. When you know yourself deeply, you can move with more confidence in the world. Make choices with wisdom.
Fear is not your friend. Unless you’re debating jumping out of a plane or trying to run away from a lion or a situation where death could be the outcome, fear is not your friend. We have spent the past few years living in a society governed by fear and it broke us. Our neighborly love and kindness as a community went right out the window so we could protect our own. And I understand the whys of it all, but as we reemerge into the world and are all struggling and reeling from what living under fear did to us, this is a reminder that making decisions based on fear benefits no one. Rather than make choices out of fear, choose to step into the uncomfortable potential of what is waiting for you. Those dreams that you don’t follow because of everything that could go wrong is fear speaking to you. And shit, every damn thing could go wrong but also every single thing could go right. But you’re still sitting at fears doorsteps dreaming and not doing. So do not let allow fear the power to decide your fate. This life is long in days but short in years and you should always choose to believe in yourself than to listen to fear.
Do not justify poor behavior. I have run the gamut in people behaving poorly and I have zero time or patience for it. That being said, I have all the time in the world for meaningful apologies and ownership of issues. But when I see things like women sliding into DMs of married men or people yelling at an employee at the grocery store, all I can think is “who are your people who tell you that this is proper behavior?” Who is holding you accountable for your unkind choices? It, of course, should be yourself. But witnessing poor behavior from your friends or family without calling them out makes you a guilty party also. So to level up in this human experience, call people out on their poor behaviors, be honest, hold them accountable if they can’t do it themselves. This is how we change the dynamics and mindset of the human race. One tiny step at a time.
Healing is in your power alone. This does not mean you do not need support or experiences to heal, but it is your choice to go on the healing path. I constantly see people dwell on the unfortunate circumstances of life. Like I said earlier, life is not unicorns and rainbows, so we have to learn to adapt and heal from the shit storms that get thrown our way. It may take time or years but learning to heal and sitting in and through the pain, while learning to find the light again is your choice and your choice alone. There are a million healing modalities that can help usher us through the healing process but what I have learned is those who like to dwell in it, don’t actually want to heal. They may say they do but they are scared to find joy again or the new self that is waiting for them. They use pain as a crutch. Don’t be this person.
Healing is not a straight line nor is it defined by anyone but you. Healing is personal to you. And whether you want to acknowledge it or not, we all have childhood wounds that we carry around as weapons. Talk therapy is a great way to tackle this. But it doesn’t work for everyone unless you’re a seriously willing participant. Just know that healing has ups and downs and steps back and breakdowns and is never an easy process. But it is a necessary one. Think of your wounds and trauma as weights that you have to carry and you are the only one who has a choice to heal them and put them down. Don’t let life pass you by with all that extra weight. Just because you feel good one day or week or month, doesn’t mean you aren’t carrying heavy things. So allow yourself to move through healing at your own pace in your own way. But for the sake of you and the people who are connected to you, figure out a way to heal yourself.
Guilt occurs because you went against your core values. So how do you live a life without guilt or regret? Stop going against the truth of your soul. It’s that simple. When you act out of alignment of the person inside of you, you tend to have to eat crow and deal with shame, guilt and all the other nasty (but necessary) emotions. The best thing you can do is to learn yourself deeply and then don’t act or participate in anything that goes against your core values. You’re the one who must sleep with yourself at night, so why not be proud of all your choices and behavior.
Life is not absent of conflict so learn to accept and deal with conflict well. I am a recovered screamer. I was raised in a household where yelling was the acceptable way to get your point across. I’ve spent years in therapy to not feed into that base desire. I have also learned to walk away from conflict if their approach is awakening that angry beast inside of me. I am by no means perfect at conflict but I have certainly come a long way. I see a lot of people avoiding conflict by keeping their pain to themselves. I see a lot of people avoiding conflict to keep the peace. I see a lot of people avoid conflict by giving up parts of themselves or completely losing the person they don’t want to engage in conflict with. Conflict is a necessary part of life and it’s certainly not going anywhere. So here are some things to look at when dealing with potential conflict: what am I really upset at? (it’s never the garbage not being taken out on time or picking up dirty towels) What changes am I seeking? What are my boundaries? What am I willing to compromise? Do I have an open mind, compassion, empathy or a space to come to this conflict with so I can understand their side and needs? Am I being stubborn, ie feeding into my ego? What am I willing to lose? What I have learned over the years is that conflict usually stems from one person having the desire to connect, understand and get closer and the other person is not participating or ignoring the needs of the others desire to connect (typically unbeknownst to them). Every conflict has the option of growth and reconnecting. It is up to you on how you handle that. My advice- only bring your best self to the conflict table. Respond, don’t react and if you aren’t out of the pissed-off stage yet, wait until you are.
Find the right support team that raises you up. I always laugh when I see men going to their single, fuck-boy friends for advice on their relationships. Like why choose someone for advice who has zero experience in that field. We don’t go to our bank teller to get advice on physical ailments. In life, we need support; a community in which we can speak our truths and be accepted, held accountable and lifted into better versions of ourselves. And sometimes it is difficult to find that golden support team. But choose them wisely. If you are surrounded by people who are not constantly trying to improve on themselves and evolve into their greatest versions, then you are in the wrong group of friends. Stagnancy in life is a choice and if you are in the wrong support group, you will continue to stay stagnant. The people you choose to surround yourself with are extensions of you. Make sure they are people who are truly looking out for your best interest and not just what selfishly serves them.
Be grateful. This one may be overplayed in the health world but it’s so fucking true. Every morning I wake up and my immediate thoughts are “can I remember my dreams” and “what am I grateful for right now?” Even when my other inner voice is like “ugh, I’m tired and eff this alarm and this long day is gonna suck”. I mentally look around my room and my life and I thank the universe that my dog is alive and healthy, I have love by my side, a roof over my head, a job that can pay for that roof and my food and the list goes on. Gratitude is not just a feeling; it is a mindset. Life is really tough a lot of the time and when we focus on all the issues and bullshit, we tend to forget that just waking up healthy is a serious privilege. Be grateful as often and as much as you can. It will change how you see the world.
Choose kindness over everything. I will totally own that I have yelled at people at the airport. I have definitely lost it at the bank. I have not always chosen to be the good person I know I am. But I look back at those rare moments in shame because I know I am typically a person who chooses to be kind (see #33). But choosing to always be kind with others is a super power and necessary in this hardened world. Especially choosing to be kind to those who are kind to you. I always look at my friends and loved ones and think “what a gift it is that they chose me to hold a piece of their heart in my hands”. And I take that responsibility seriously. I never want to be someone who crushes another’s heart. Even in the ending of a loving relationship, kindness is crucial. So be kind, be kind, be kind.
There are no timelines in life. We are all going at our own pace. We are all, hopefully, trying to be our best selves. There is no wrong time to begin again. There is no wrong time to change your life’s path. There is no wrong time to fulfill your dreams. You are on your own path and nothing should keep you from getting there when the time is right for YOU. Don’t compare your path to anyone else’s. Don’t give up on dreams and desires because you aren’t the “right” age. Timelines are a limitation you are setting on yourself.
Love really is always the answer. I know this is cheesy and cliché but it is true. When you make choices out of love, not fear, you will always being making the right choice. When you choose to love people with your whole heart and not half-heartedly, you will always be the victor. When you make love a priority in your life, you will always feel successful. Love is truly always the way to live, to learn, to grow. It is our soul purpose on this planet- to be loved and to share that love.
Aging is a privilege. I thought turning 40 was going to be horrendous. Like oh fuck, I’ve accomplished none of my goals and what do I have to show for forty years on this planet. But then I took a step back and thought, “damn I am pretty amazing at 40”. I have beautiful friends and loved ones. I have traveled the world and lived in beautiful places. I have truly experienced wonderous things. I have decades of knowledge of myself and my world under my belt. And I worked really really hard for that understanding of who I am. I am confident and can hold my own in any room I step into. I am an all around badass in the best of ways. But that wasn’t me at 25 or 30 or probably even 35. It took aging and experiences to get me to this place of self-love and pride. It was a long ass process. And the fact that I got to experience those rock bottoms or highest highs is because I had the honor of aging. In a world that does not support aging in any facet, I want to say that it is an honor and privilege to age. Wrinkles, gray hairs and all. Because all of it is a part of my story and what carried me here. I earned those wrinkles and gray hairs. I earned every single step of this journey and I am so proud, most of the time (because we all have our days), of who I am becoming. Just that word becoming means that I (hopefully) have the gift of more time. What a fucking honor!
There is so much more I could share but I hope these words find a small place in your world. I hope they help you if you’re having a tough day. I hope they urge you to reach out to the people you love and tell them that. I hope you can look at your missteps and find forgiveness for the human in you. I hope you know that in this moment you are loved by someone deeply and that is enough to get you through anything. Remember that every moment we have on this planet is precious- please treat it as such. Find any reason to laugh and celebrate that you’ve made it this far on the tough but beautiful journey of life.
I love you all. xo