Love is THE reason

I am single. And it is Valentine’s day weekend, so what else am I gonna do but blog about love? I’ve been writing this post for over a week now. I have typed it up and erased it multiple times. I found myself going down weird rabbit holes that can only be attached to previous heartache baggage. Overall, I found it really difficult to write about the one thing I preach the most about: L-O-V-E, LOVE!

And at first, part of me thought, well maybe that is because you haven’t been successful in love. And immediately my higher self told my ego to shut the eff up. Because what does successful love look like? Marriage, a white picket fence and 1.5 kids? That is what we have been conditioned to think love should look like. We have spent our lives being lied to by Disney, fairy tales and society that we have to find the perfect partner, walk down the aisle and build a life that will make the Jones’ envious. (insert barf emoji)

But as a single woman in her late 30s, I am here to say that that is load of bullshit. I am more filled with and surrounded by love in my current singleness than I have ever been in any relationship including the ones that almost ended with me walking down the aisle (thank the high heavens that didn’t pan out!) There is such beauty in (finally!) coming to a place where your life feels complete, regardless of external pressures. I remember questioning myself years ago about why wasn’t I married, why didn’t I have children yet and all those other large looming questions that strange relatives ask you uncomfortably at weddings. And the answer has pretty much remained the same- those are not things I have craved in life. I have not wanted what love is SUPPOSED to represent but I have wanted what love ACTUALLY is. 

I have craved connection. I have wanted that beautiful energy that can light your soul on fire and quench your thirst all at once. I have wanted an open heart, mind and compassion. I have wanted passion. I have wanted experience and growth. I have wanted to be seen and heard. I have wanted to learn. I have wanted to give wholly of myself while retaining my individualness. I want to care for and be cared for. I want to be supported while building others up. I want to be surrounded by the juicy gorgeous feeling and doing of LOVE!

I am a lover of love. But I was not always. I was a skeptic. I have had my heart ripped out of my body, doused in kerosene and lit on fire. I have been cheated on, lied to, emotionally and verbally abused, gaslit and worse- all by people who claimed to love me. And yet here I am, the sappiest love junkie around. How, you ask?

Because I did not let my fear of love conquer my need for love. Because we all need love. And I am not talking about the intrinsic familial love, I mean chosen love. I have said this many times on my blogposts. We are on this planet for one thing and one thing only: to connect to others through love. Some do this by having families, some do this by being of service, some do this by smiling at strangers- however you choose to connect to other humans through love is up to you. But it is our greatest driving life force. It is hopefully the first and last emotion you will ever feel.

But love can be pretty icky also. And sadly, that is because we have romanticized the crap outta love. We have created a world of soul mates and holding hands on our death beds. Love is not that. It can be that, don’t’ get me wrong, but mostly, it is not that. Love is really difficult. It can be the best and the worst part of your day. It can give you the highest highs and lowest lows.

How often have you heard people explain how deep their intimate love is by the way they met that person? As if their meet-cute defines whether or not that person will take out the garbage when you ask or donate a kidney if you need one or give you space when you are crying for no explanation? Love is not defined by how you met or how long your relationship lasted or how many things you accumulated together. Love is defined in the doing. Because love is a verb. It is in the doing that turns lust into love. And trust me, I have had those “love at first sight” moments. Twice I have been lucky enough to experience that. But that is all it was- an experience. It did not make the relationship any stronger or last any longer. It was just a nonverbal understanding of two souls. It was beautiful but it did not define the love. Because the love had to grow out of my understanding (or lack thereof sometimes) that I am one baggage-filled individual asking another baggage-filled individual to join me on a journey that requires a shit ton of work.

Love is a whole LOTTA work soaked in a lot of patience. From my experience the people who fear and run from love tend to fear not just love, but a few other things: 

      1) they fear doing the work in a relationship 

      2) they fear losing that love and the heartache that will ensue (fear of pain) 

     3) they fear losing their sovereignty/independence 

     4) they fear vulnerability and emotions in general 

     5) they fear losing control 

     6) they fear they are not worthy of love. 

Gah! All things worthy of fear. I get it. Love is scary. And it is WAY more work than is ever anticipated. But what is the alternative? You just keep to yourself for the rest of your life and end up having shallow meaningless relationships that rarely bring you actual fulfillment? This is by no means a valid argument for love. But it sounds pretty shit, if you ask me. I have certainly tried to date people who fear love and real intimacy and honestly, they will not change until they are willing to take a hard look at themselves (which is also scary for them). But love is not a threat to your individuality; it is a deepening of one’s self. It is our greatest teacher if you are willing to look within and accept that it is ok (necessary!) to be flawed, exposed, and vulnerable; that none of those things will kill you, only enhance you.

Side-note to self and others: do not date people who are not willing to join you on the crazy train of deep love and intimacy. If someone says or behaves like they are emotionally unavailable, hand them the number of a therapist and then run. Because relationships are difficult all on their own, without throwing that issue in the mix. Love is a movement towards one another and you should always want someone who is willing to meet you in the arena.

Personally, the scariest part about love is that it is a mirror. It shows us the best and worst parts of ourselves. I have been a super shitty person to people that I have loved in the past. I have said (screamed!) cruel things and picked apart their insecurities- all to make them feel how I thought they were making me feel. But really, I was just taking my inner insecurities and projecting them. I have certainly not always shown up in love. But at the very least, I can say I owned my crappy moments and apologized for them. And the best part is that I learned so much from it. How I loved a year ago is not how I love today. So as difficult as the mirror of love can be- it is, once again, our greatest teacher. And for that I am incredibly grateful. My biggest growth spurts have come out of my biggest pain aka heartache and loss.

All relationships, intimate or not, are an opportunity for growth, kindness and generosity. It takes a great deal of generosity and understanding to really be and do in love. It takes a willingness to compromise when you don’t want to and forgive when you’re stuck being stubborn. Love demands effort and openness. And the fairy tales and romantic movies don’t tell you all this. They making falling in love so effortless. And honestly, falling in love is pretty easy. It is in the RISING for love that requires the effort. Because love is a choice, a continual choice. No ring, no house, no kids can enforce that. You have to wake up every day and choose to love and accept that person, flaws, baggage and all. And you have to be willing to forgive. To know that just because this person may know the depths of you, they aren’t always going to make the right decision. They will screw up over and over again. And how much you love yourself, will define how you love and forgive others. Because the more you know, accept and love your own flaws, you will find the ability to do the same for others.

Love is the most beautiful gift the universe can give us. It is our purpose, drive and reason. If you have had the honor to be truly loved in this life, thank that person today. Call them, text them…let them know how grateful you are that they chose to love you. They chose to see a light in you that made their soul come alive and they had the courage to share  it with you.  

Love is the best damn thing this human experience has to offer. If no one has told you that they love you this weekend, I am telling you now: I LOVE YOU. And you are SO worthy of that love. 

Now share it with the world. 

All my love, 
Jamiesonxo