Don't fear rejection!

We all fear rejection. We are primitively wired to desire acceptance and inclusion. It is why our teenage years, and maybe beyond, we strive to fit in. And as a hopefully recovering people pleaser, there is a massive connection between people pleasing and the fear of rejection. There is not only the need of approval but the projection of that approval. We want to equally please others while seeking approval through our behaviors and we want the same in return.

There is something so terrible, so icky, about being rejected. Whether from a job, a stranger, a loved one, a potential partner, family, friends- you name the situation and it downright sucks. For some, like myself, rejection of a stranger is like meh, who cares? But rejection from someone who I have grown to care about and whose opinion I value- oh no thank you. Speaking for myself, the more I have invested in someone, the harder the rejection hits. Because who wants to be told, I see you but I don’t care to waste my energy on you. Yikes!

I made a terrible mistake earlier this year by ending a relationship with someone I cared about when I was not actually ready for the relationship to end. I spent months afterwards attempting to fight for us and get him back but the pain I had caused him through rejection, was too much for him to see past. And in turn, I spent months being rejected by him. Both of us in pain for the exact same reason. It was awful.

But like all painful things, the silver lining is in the personal growth. I learned more during and in the aftermath of this relationship than I had from any previous connections in my life. I am incredibly grateful to him for unwittingly pushing me into the best version of myself (thus far).

Here is what this rejection taught me:

1) Rejection is super painful. It is a psychological wound. Even when you think its surface pain, your subconscious is doing inner harm to you unless you identify the pain and work through it.

2) Rejection and our desire for approval is all about your self-worth

3) Feeling rejected is just that- a feeling. It is temporary.

4) Rejection is ok. It builds resilience. You are not meant to be accepted by all.

I’ve blogged before about self-worth and validation before. The reason rejection is so painful is that it makes you question your worth. It creates serious insecurities in us. What do you mean you don’t accept and like me? I’m a great human. But this thought pattern is the problem. We are building our worth in external situations. This is called contingent self-esteem. You are only as great as your acceptance from others and through positive social comparisons.

If you take away nothing but this from today, great: your self-worth can only be bruised by rejection if YOU allow for that. Because rejection says nothing about your character. It is not a criticism of you, it is a space where energies do not align. Rejection may draw upon personal flaws, but we all have those; that is what makes us human. You are sitting on a very high horse if you are spending time pointing out others flaws. Rejection should hurt but it should not make us question our self-worth. Do not hold your personal value against someone else’s scorecard. Your worth is within.

Vulnerability comes into play here also. If you are someone who plays it safe in order to not get rejected, you are in essence living a faux life. If you live in fear of rejection, you are not honoring yourself. Playing it safe is the same as playing it small. You are skirting around the inevitable painful parts of life in order to control your circumstances. Being vulnerable by putting yourself “out there” is opening you up to the possibility of rejection and you have to get comfortable with the idea that not everyone is going to accept and like you. And it’s not easy. We all want to be liked but coming to terms with the idea that you most definitely won’t be liked by all will also open the doors to courage and self-confidence.

What I have realized is my self-confidence comes from my willingness to be exposed to all emotions. I am equally open to experiencing pain as I am to experiencing joy. And as painful as rejection can be- I am willing to accept and move through it because it does not define me. It can enhance me or shift my perspective but it does not say anything about who I am.

Rejection cannot be avoided in life but how we deal with and accept that rejection is our journey. Hopefully reading this will ease the pain surrounding it. It is not you; it is not them- it is the misalignment of energies. That’s all. And it is a feeling that will hurt but heal if you allow for it.

Live not in fear,

Jamiesonxo