Do you 50 shades of gray?

One thing my therapist said frequently in my first couple years is, “Jamieson, life is not black or white.” And it took me a while to realize that how I viewed the world had to be changed. I had to look at my thoughts and opinions and realize that my way is not THE way. Being a highly analytical person, I really did assume that my way of thinking made the most sense. But every single person is entitled to live their lives as they see fit, as long as that does not negatively impede on the lives of others. The way you choose to live is not the same as anyone else’s and that means having non-judgmental compassion for other’s choices is mandatory.

Every single experience creates a tunnel vision of how we see the world and ourselves. We tend to assume that the way we think and how we would tackle situations is the “right way”. When we are closed off to other’s ideas and thoughts and how they perceive the world, we become black and white thinkers. Take time to notice your brain when its judging someone else and their choices. Your mind goes, “I would never” and instantly creates a black or white stance. You never know what you are going to do or how you’re going to behave until you are put in that exact situation with the exact same history. And since it is technically impossible to recreate those exact same circumstances, you actually do not know what you would “never” do when put in someone else’s shoes.

Even in morality, the rules are loose. Of course, we know that it is morally and ethically unsound to physically harm someone else. But there are a million circumstances I could suggest that would rile you up to the point of physically harming another. Nothing is black or white.

I once had a friend who I confided in about a past partner cheating on me. I was at a crossroads and unsure of what to do. Her advice was to never speak to him again because cheaters never change. She had been through and witnessed similar circumstances and from her experience, she knew wholeheartedly that there was no other alternative, but to leave because he would 100% do it again. I sat with this advice for a while. I even took it to my therapist. And immediately she responded, “well that is a very black and white way of seeing of the world, it assumes that people who are willing to change, cannot.” And as someone who lives for change, I decided to dismiss her advice. I decided to not forgive immediately but to open my mind to what brought him to his choices. I decided to walk in his shoes. I had to meditate deeply on what would have driven him to the decision to deeply hurt the person he loved. He had low self-esteem and lacked confidence due to unhealed childhood trauma and therefore craved attention. We had also gone through a traumatic experience at the time which had hardened our connection. None of this is an excuse for what he had done but it showed me that serious flaws and wrongful choices can be formed outside of the immediate situation. His decision to cheat was not about me or us, it was about him. And nothing I could do or say could change that. He had to learn to acknowledge and heal his past in order to show up as a better partner, if not for me, then the next person. The biggest lesson for me was that I didn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I listened to the evolved part of me that disregarded the traditional black and white thinking towards cheating and held space for the traumas of others. I looked past my pain and took the time to really understand another human better.

This is the biggest benefit of gray thinking: it shrinks the differences between us all. It holds space for other people’s flaws. It helps us to understand one another better. It creates more connection and compassion. Seeing the world in all the beautiful shades of gray is imperative if you are living a deeper life. Because no one’s journey is the same. And polarized thinking tends to exist on a very high horse. It assumes that you are coming from a place of perfection or that you know better than others. And I hate to burst any bubbles, but I promise you, you don’t.

Having a polarized mindset leads us down a very negative path. It assumes I’m right, therefore you are wrong. It assumes that things or people are either good or bad. It assumes that you’re either failing or succeeding. It assumes that your body is either skinny or fat. It assumes that my religion or political party is better than yours. It leaves nothing on the table for acceptance of any type of otherness.

Take for example, abortion. When Roe vs Wade got overturned, I included in my email blast how disappointed I was in that decision. Now that is my opinion, and I am completely entitled to it. I received a nasty email back from someone, who had never ordered my food, but was apparently signed up for my emails. He said all these things about it being a time to rejoice and that he hopes God will be with me. At first, I was pissed off, the irony of a man responding who will never have to face what can be an extremely traumatic decision and painful decision for a woman. But then I honestly felt pity for him. How sad to be a full-blown adult and parent who cannot allow space for others to have their opinions. My opinion does not lessen his own thoughts. It does not do any harm to him. He is allowed to have his thoughts and I am allowed to feel and share my opinions as I see fit. This is my platform. But his small, polarized mind could not allow for that.

Now, anytime I hear someone say “I would never” or “I always” or anything that leans into the realm of extremes, I take pause. And I find inner gratitude that I have learned to come to the table with an open mind; that I choose to live in the gray spaces. That I have the emotional intelligence to hold space for thoughts that differ from my own.

My choices are not your choices and vice versa and that is ok. This is what makes life messy and beautiful all at once. We are all unique creatures with differing experiences. We all approach the world from our messy corners and hope that others give us the benefit of an open mind. Nothing that you think or feel or would or would not do is any better or worse than another. My most active way of gray thinking is that I can be broken, hurt or traumatized by an experience but also be so grateful that it happened. Or that good-hearted humans can make really crappy choices. And with a polarizing mindset, you cannot feel two opposing thoughts at once. It’s one way or the other.

The best way to combat this style of thought is by working on your dialectical thinking. Do your best to see every situation or person from all the angles, not just yours and then come to a reasonable, hopefully factual, conclusion. It will serve you and the world around you better. It will open up your life to thoughts and experiences beyond your limited view. It will create more compassion internally. It will educate you and help you to grow. It will help you see that we are all one, as Ram Dass puts it, just walking each other home. Trust me, the beauty of the world exists in the fluid waters of gray. xo