Are you conflict avoidant?
Nobody enjoys conflict within relationships- friendships, family or intimate ones. It is an icky part of our human condition and unfortunately, it is an imperative part of our maturation process. What I’ve noticed is that people can either walk into conflict confidently or they avoid it at all costs. Yes, there is an in between where you get serious anxiety around conflict, but you still handle it. I tend to be just in between this and confident with conflict. To be confident within conflict does not mean you enjoy the process, it means you just know that serious dialogue needs to occur for you to move forward with mental peace. If you tend to avoid conflict overall- it typically stems from unhealed childhood wounds and a serious desire to people please.
When you are raised by family that says everything is fine and don’t worry about it, when your inner voice is saying otherwise, you learn to shut down your outer voice. So, when your family says it’s all going to be OK, you learn to sit in your discomfort rather than voice it. Or when you watch your parents/family not voice their emotions or share their feelings when you can tell that they are troubled or upset, this becomes familiar to you. Or if you witness a parent or family member share their authentic feelings and witness them get rejected, abused, or shut down, you will internalize the idea that sharing your opinions or feelings is absolutely not ok or safe. Then the idea of honesty and speaking your inner voice aloud becomes a deep-seated fear, which in turn becomes a form of people pleasing. You are taught that the authentic voice and feelings in your head are not safe to share with others. It is then best to work around your inner voice and only share “safe” thoughts with the world. It is better to people please than be authentic to who you truly are or how you truly feel.
Being a conflict avoidant is a separation from your authenticity and a repression of your true emotions. And honestly, it is kinda the coward’s way out. Of course, it is so easy to just say the right things and tell little white lies here and there because hurting someone’s feelings is never fun. But what is fun about going through life being inauthentic and never showing the world who you really are?!
And I get it, the fear of rejection, criticism, anger, loss, disapproval, or the loss of safety and security that you may have with another person is a serious fear. It is obviously the harder road to be completely forthright and speak your truth regardless of the consequences. And it is so easy to justify, telling half-truths or lies if you won’t get caught and the other person remains happy- because who is that harming, really?
It is harming YOU. Every time you decide to avoid conflict by people pleasing or being dishonest, you are chipping away at your core. Not only that but on a physiological level, repressing emotions and causing mental duress can lead to depression, loneliness, and even premature death. Avoiding conflict and people pleasing only harms you. Humans can handle the truth and the possibility of a serious conversation or argument, but your body and mental health will eventually deteriorate if you spend a lifetime pleasing others and avoiding conflict.
And here’s the problem, people see conflict as a negative. It is a massive fight waiting to be had or a beginning to an end. Why? Conflict at its core is just one person voicing a concern with the hopes to eventually learn how to connect better. It is not the end of the world. It is one human having a feeling or story or issue and speaking it out loud to hopefully another human who is safe enough to listen and have compassion and understanding for that issue. That is what it should be. So, if you are avoiding difficult conversations, what is really the reason? Is it because you don’t feel safe with the person? Is it because you think that your honesty will scare the person away? Is it because you are not proud of your truth? Or is it because you don’t want to be viewed as “that type of person”? With most things, it is best to figure out where the underlying fear stems from and then begin to unravel and tackle it from there.
If your issue is that you don’t want others to view you in a negative light, then your people pleasing is just a way of being fake in the world. It means that no one is seeing the “real” you. So how do you know if anyone actually even likes you, if they are just getting the “nice” version of you? This also means that your fear is actually the consequences of the conflict and in turn how you are viewed post conflict. It is then not the conflict that is the problem, it is you. You are putting your status, your reputation, above honesty. Do not be a person who chooses selective authenticity.
Because people pleasing and avoiding conflict may seem like an act of kindness in the world, but it is really just a lack of courageous authenticity. It is doing more harm than good. Eventually, I believe, that avoided conflict will always get you in the end. The truth does come out and your precious reputation will get ruined. It is inevitable. And lies just keep us small. To me, lying is a ridiculous choice. Who actually ever benefits from it? You have to live with the lie, which cannot feel good, and the other person eventually realizes you are lying to them, and the connection is eventually lost. It is a lose-lose situation.
Brutal honesty can turn into beautiful honesty if you choose to face conflict with open and compassionate dialogue. And that is all conflict is, an uncomfortable conversation. And you always have the choice to build a bridge or a battlefield.
It is your actions that determine the quality of your life. If you want a good physique, start moving your body. If you want better mental health, start getting honest about yourself and the part you play in the world. Do you want to be someone’s villain or hero? Because heroes have to go through some shit to get that title. And facing conflict is one of those things. And your peace of mind should be paramount to all things. If you are avoiding conflict or people pleasing, you are not living with mental peace; you are living in a prison. The world is determining who you are for you, and you are playing by everyone else’s rules. You are not mentally free. If you are avoiding conflict and people pleasing, you are not even being really you- just a performative version of yourself. Like I said, conflict is just an uncomfortable conversation. It has the potential to connect us more rather than break us apart. Like all things, it takes practice to make it easier. We all know that growth lies outside of your comfort zone. So, what is really stopping you from being your deepest truest self and expressing that in all ways to the world? And conflict or people pleasing should never be the answer. xo