What I learned at 39...
This is one of my favorite blog posts to write. I am typically very anti-birthday because for me, it dredges up a lot of emotions and normally, not the fuzzy warm kind. But this year, after all the crap we went through last year, I decided to throw myself a massive birthday party. I invited 60 of my most loved humans and we spent the night dancing, laughing, eating good food and drinking great cocktails on a perfectly warm evening on the beach at a boathouse in Rowayton. It could not have gone more perfectly. It was referred to as my single girl wedding by my friends and honestly, it kinda felt like it was. It was incredibly special and so filled with love. My heart felt like it could burst from the outpouring of love. My friends ages spanned from early 20s to 50s- all different races and personalities from all random chapters of my life. I have curated such a beautiful group of people. And I do not neglect the magic of that. I keep up with and hold space for each and every one of them. I’ve been complimented a lot in my life for how kind, loyal and loving a friend I am and this day certainly reflected that.
I say all of these positive aspects of myself and this day, not to brag, but to show how a very difficult year can accumulate in such a game-changing way. And although we all went through the same hardships during this pandemic, I personally went through bouts of depression and heartbreak and burnout that made this year even heavier for me. This is not a comparison to anyone. We all have our hardships. I am only sharing mine.
But with heavy things comes mega growth. And the asterisk to that statement is: only if you choose to explore your darker depths. You have to go beyond the general cause and the reaction and figure out why you are standing in this current space and what brought you here. So with my normal therapy sessions, my spiritual gurus, my closest friends and family- I worked through a lot of difficult moments and emotions of this past year. And here is what I have learned or am continuing to learn:
First and foremost, healing is a life-long process. I used to think I could go to therapy for a few months and be all healed…but nope. Healing, learning, growing is a life-long process. Don’t beat yourself up if you go two steps forward and three steps back.
Peace of mind is the ultimate goal. The whole point of healing, meditation, therapy- all of it- is to have peace of mind. To be able to enter all situations and end up still feeling at peace with your decisions and actions- that is the goal!
Unhealed humans make choices from a different source than healed/healing people. If you haven’t started tackling the issues (most importantly the subconscious ones) within you, you are approaching your life with an unhealed mind. It is completely different from a healed or healing one. I can say this with authority because I have been on both sides of the coin. It makes it easier to understand others when you know what side of the coin they are coming from.
You can love with all your heart but that doesn’t mean it will be accepted/reciprocated. It is your choice to love someone and it is their choice to return that. It doesn’t negate how you feel or detract from it. If you can love wholeheartedly, this speaks volumes to your soul.
People can only meet you where they have met themselves. This is a riff on number three. But do not expect people to meet you at levels they have not met themselves. It is not possible. You cannot ask an infant to run.
Burnout is something we need to take seriously. Dead seriously. We all have gone through pandemic burnout and that is enough on its own. But on top of that work (including childrearing) has a serious burnout level. Do not push yourself past that point. It is extremely unhealthy and it prevents you from moving forward in life. I have experienced a lot of burnout over these past four years. As my mother would say “do not do things half pie” and when you are burned out, you are operating from less than 100%, meaning you’re not doing your best. Watch for burnout and then take a step back when you are feeling that way. It leads to depression and self-criticism and a whole bunch of other negative reactions.
We should not live to work but work to live. To expand on that, life is very short. As much as the “American” dream is within reach- do not spend your life working in order to live your life on your days off. We need to realize that life is meant to be spent living to its fullest and best. I am not saying do not work, but don’t let work interfere with the joys of life. We are here to live joyfully.
Find your inner child and nourish them. Loving them and bringing them to light is of the utmost importance. This also piggy backs on the last lesson. You should find the things in life that make you feel like a child again and flourish in that space. For me, I used to and still do love to dance and laugh and I spend most of my life trying to find the joy with those two actions. It is so important to let the child in you thrive!
If you cannot control it, stop letting it occupy space in your head. Good God, this is not easy for me but whatever you cannot control in life is not worth taking up your mental energy. As a semi-reformed control freak, this is not easy. But what is the actual point of dwelling on something you cannot change or control? You’re just driving yourself nutso.
Timing is everything. So cliché, yet so true. There are always situations in life that would have been completely different had they happened at a different point in your life. And sometimes this just requires patience and sometimes it just means it wasn’t meant to be. Timing is everything.
Grieving is a journey with no timetable and no defined path. I used to really beat myself up over how long it took me to grieve losing my ex-boyfriend. I could not understand why I could date people for four or five years and move on in a month and someone I dated less than a year took me a full year of grieving. But grieving has no rules. And the most important thing is to realize is there will be super low days and semi-normal ones and you just have to move through them. Don’t hide from them. Your grief does not look like anyone else’s and that is ok.
Responding and reacting are not the same. I used to be super reactive. And there are some days I still am. But through therapy and self-awareness, I have realized the importance of pausing and then responding rather than react to my initial thoughts and emotions.
Your thoughts and emotions are not always your friends. We all create scenarios in our heads in order to justify our emotions. It is human nature. It is our job though to filter through our emotions and fantasies and only answer to the facts of a situation. Not everything your head is telling you is for your benefit.
Yelling is never the answer. Anger is sometimes the answer but the reaction should not be yelling. I am always at my lowest after I yell (react, not respond) at someone. I am filled with shame and it is a very low vibration. Yelling might feel good in the moment but it does not serve you in any capacity. No one listens to yelling.
Letting go of something or someone when it feels unfinished is the pits. But it isn’t a failure- it’s an acceptance. Just because something did not work out in your desired favor, does not mean you failed. And even if it feels unfinished, your job is to accept that it may be that way forever and to let go of it. Holding onto unfinished business only harms your mental health.
Communication is of the utmost importance. But beyond that is comprehension. There is no point talking to a brick wall. Couples’ therapists always preach communication but there is no purpose in talking if the person isn’t actually listening to understand you better. Your partner needs to be open to your thoughts and feelings, even if they do not agree. And disagreements are healthy. They teach you so much about people, if you’re willing to learn.
Rejection is not something to dwell on. It doesn’t speak against you. Ever. It’s all ego and it isn’t worth questioning yourself and why it didn’t work out. Rejection just means you were not meant for that person or job or whatever. It has zero value on who you are as a person.
Regrets can exist within you and you can still be completely content on where you landed. Don’t let regrets take up space in your brain. Acknowledge them, grow from them and move on.
Jealously is not your friend. And is all your own issue. I have behaved in jealous manners and am always ashamed. I am thankfully not that way anymore and if a twinge of jealously sets in, I quickly own it and redirect myself. I have lost people I love in my life this year because their people are jealous of me and our relationships. It is a gross emotion and it should call you to self-investigation. Jealously is caused by your insecurity alone. Stop blaming others for this low vibrational emotion. If you were secure in yourself and in your relationship, you would not feel this emotion. Period. Let jealousy go!
You will always be surprised by the doors that open unexpectedly for you. And they always do. The universe wants to give you what you think you deserve (hello self-worth!). Trust in that.
Work and life/family balance is very difficult. We all feel like we are failing in one category or the other. It is probably one of the biggest conversations I have as an entrepreneur. You cannot do it all but you can do your best. Don’t beat yourself if you are giving more to one and less to another.
BE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF. ALWAYS. This has been a lesson building for me over years. As an empath and hyperaware person, I used to tip toe around people and their emotions. I would squeeze myself into the version of me that worked best for them. I used to hide parts of myself so I could be more liked. I used to worry about what other people thought of me. Now I do not give a fuck. I am who I am. I am ever-evolving. I am subject to change. I am beautiful and amazing just as I am. And if someone does not like me, at my best and at my worst, then they can move on. But I am on this planet, to be nothing else but my whole, intricate, chaotic self. And I love her deeply- broken, healing and all of the glorious mess.
And last but certainly not least- we have to approach this life with a lot more LOVE and a lot less anxiety. The world and situations are not going to be what we want- most of the time…but you have a choice to mentally stress or approach the situation with more love and compassion. I do my best to choose love. And if I want to be the best version of me, being love and sharing love will always get me there.
I love you guys. Thank you for being a massive part of my journey. My current life exists because of your participation. And I am so grateful. And I know this to be true because tears are streaming down my face as I type this. Your support means the absolute world to me. Thank you from the depths of my soul!
Jamiesonxo